Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Still My Heart

I will preface this blog by stating that I am a supporter of dating websites.  I know couples who have met online and honestly, in today's day and age, a girl is lucky to have the energy to go to the grocery store after 9 hours in the office, let alone reapply her make-up, change clothes, go out for drinks and flirt. 

This past Friday I had a long phone conversation with a childhood friend. For the sake of anonymity we will call her *Trixie*.  She has been living in the city for a year, but is moving back to the Tidewater area where rent is more affordable and the job market is less cutthroat.  She is 26 and sick of the after-work, happy-hour, is-he-staring-at-me-or-the -bartender, forced dating scene. SO she joined a relationship website. I fully supported her in this decision.  After all, EHarmony claims to be responsible for 2% of marriages in the US, not bad! 

We expressed our hesitations about online dating: what if he puts up a picture from 5 years ago? What if he looks 6'1 in his photo but he's really 5'4? What if he photoshops in abs or worse... hair?  We went through every scenario, but concluded that if any of the previous circumstances were to arise, she would at least have a great story to share with friends at the end of the night. Famous. Last. Words.

At around 9 PM last night, I got a call from *Trixie* requesting that I check my e-mail immediately.  *Trixie* had sent me a message she received from a potential suitor.  The below is an actual message and profile. Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves:

"Names is Kris. Born Richmond an Raised here in Williamsburg. Ima 26 about to be 27 in April. I'm white with an athletic build. got 2 tats one on each arm. I like to say that ima good dude with a Heart of Gold. I" hate with a Passion Lairs Cheaters Back Stabbers an peeps that think their plain out the junk. All in all I want the small stuff in Life. really the only thing. A FAMILY one that I can be Proud of a child somewhere down the Road that I can mold to be everything that I aint. A Woman that can still my heart an Run wit it an not give it back. ~Really~ I just want to be Happy=) Give back to what was givin to me. I was Born with Country an will die with it. anywho would really like to talk to you. thats is if ya feel the same. For once in my life just really hope that God will Bless me with someone special. One day I know He will. I have Faith=) Hope that your having a Great day an hope to talk soon!"

Once my friend picked herself up off the floor, she emailed her two dating cheerleaders, Me and Sarah.  Trying to remain positive, Sarah provided the following feedback:

Best qualities about Kris:

1. Two tats.
2. Says "peeps".
3. Says things that don't make sense like, "that think their plain out the junk".
4. No grammatical structure in his letter.
5.  Ain't.
6. "Still" instead of "steal"
7.  Shortens words, because sometimes they really can be so long, and that's tiring. Ex. "wit" and "ya"
8. Will die "with Country". Emphasis on the capital "C". 
9. And perhaps the best opening ever, "NameS is Kris."

When I received this email I insisted on investigating this character further.  I requested *Trixie* send me the full profile of said suitor, hoping that his nonsensical banter would provide more comic relief to my mundane Monday night.  Let me assure you, my expectations were most definitely met, if not exceeded.  Kris’ (excuse me, Lil Kris’) page included several more words of wisdom:

"I'm not the Greatest of all people but in the end know im NOT the worst."

"I know where i want to be in life in which right at the moment i'm not but there agian will be one Day."

"My Like's Learning from my Past, Cars, Women not little girls!! Playing the Guitar when i have one to play."

"I do me to take care of me an refuse any longer to let anyone or anything step in the way of that!."

I was under the assumption that our prince was an English professor or an Editor.  However, next to the Employment category, I read the words "Pro Temps".  After much deliberation, I deduced that "Pro Temps" means he is either A. an optimistic meteorologist or B. a seasonal streetwalker.

In the event that Kris really is an actual human on his quest for love, I will refrain from posting the pictures he provided, some of which contained rather outdated 2008 timestamps.  I am still unsure that this profile is in fact a serious display of a hopeful dater's greatest attributes.  I find it hard to believe that someone would want his significant other to "still" his heart and then run away with it.  Most of all, I refuse to accept that Virginia's school system would hand out a diploma to someone who could not differentiate between a lion's den (lair) and a dishonest person (liar).  Then again, according to his profile, he might not have graduated because he describes "Education" as: N/A.  No education? Well, that may be the first thing I read that DOES make sense.


  1. THIS IS SO FUNNY!! I am laughing out loud!

  2. Holy crap, that is hilarious.

  3. Sounds like my experiences with online dating. It gets better with time!!